How God Changed My Life Forever

Out of the darkness and into the light! (My full testimony)

Do you ever feel as if you are missing something in your life? Is there a pain in your heart? Or do you often feel like you are unsatisfied with your life and ever wonder what it really feels like to be truly happy? I completely understand what that is like! Most of my life I had no hope until only about two years ago. I had no idea how much more there was to life than just feeling angry and self-pity all the time.

For God so loved the world, no matter how undeserving we are of His love, He will and has saved a wretch like me. In our lives, many times we have turned away and against the Lord, but does that change His love for you? Absolutely not. His love for you is steadfast and remains for eternity. He is a God of love, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, strength, and everything wonderful that you can imagine.

I know what it is like to be full of sadness, anger, hatred, self-hatred, self-pity, depression, anxiety, confused, suicidal, feeling useless and unworthy, emptiness, unloved and unwanted, mistreated, sorrow...All the negative emotions you can name, I understand. The list could go on and on, but let me tell you; Luke 15 tells us that if a man has 100 sheep and loses one of them, doesn't he leave the 99 sheep in the open country to go and look for that one lost sheep? And when that man searches and finds his lost sheep, he rejoices and puts it on his shoulders. Then he goes home and invites his friends and neighbours over saying "Rejoice, I have found my lost sheep!". In the same way, this applies to how much more rejoicing there will be in Heaven when one broken, angered, and saddened sinner returns to the Lord and asks for forgiveness, over 99 righteous people who have already received forgiveness and returned to the Lord.

Who is that one lost sheep out of the 100? You.

The thing that has impacted my life forever was realizing that we will never feel truly happy or completely satisfied or full if we continue being that one lost sheep.

I know what it is like to feel agony, to stay up until early in the morning crying for a reason, or just absolutely no reason at all. I know what it's like to have thoughts and emotions flying around in your head. For so many years, countless amount of times, have I tried to seek advice from friends, family, counselors, but it was never ending. Never ever could I find anything that could take away this sadness in me.

When I was in the sixth grade, my parents had separated, and for some reason I never let it affect me, I held it in and brought out a 'I do not care' kind of attitude, and now looking back, I see that this was when all of my troubles mentally, physically, and emotionally began. I didn't realize that this was the downfall to my life and things continued to get worse. That year, I began to get bullied for my looks, things I did, the way I was, etc. I had depression, suicidal thoughts, self hatred and began to self-harm, and it carried on until grade nine. I cannot even explain how many times I would go to my friends and cry out to them for advice, help, and comfort. I would tell them how I just couldn't do it anymore and how I didn't want to live, but nothing anyone had said could make me feel better. Looking back, I see that every conversation I had during my aching moments, were a cry for help. It became to the point where people could've just given up on me, because they gave me all the advice in the world and nothing could make me feel better. I needed something or someone to help me but no one could. That's when I started to seek another option.

I continued to get bullied until the tenth grade, I always had people who made fun of me or wanted to start problems with me, but I tried to regain stability. After being bullied, I became desperate to fit in so I began to get into drugs. I thought that that was the only way that I could forget about what I was feeling. I tried cigarettes but mainly started smoking marijuana, and by grade eleven, it was a daily thing. Somewhere in my heart deep down, I knew that it was wrong. The more I got into that life style, the more I began to rebel against my mom, whom I lived with, I was never at home, and marijuana had basically become my entire life. For once I thought, 'you know what, I feel okay'. Later on, I turned to boys and that is one of my biggest regrets. The more I smoked, the more my health, my mind, my soul, started to go downhill, the more rebellious I became and I thought that this was the perfect lifestyle for me. I did not know any better. I started to shoplift and started becoming detached from reality, my actions were not benefiting me at all. During the first 3 years of high-school, living like this, I always questioned myself about why I had become this way. My family and home life had been good and I have an amazing little brother, how could I have chosen to be like this when I really didn't have any terrible things in my life. This was never who I truly was until high school, I had always been a stay out of trouble and shy girl. I was so convinced that this was how I wanted my life to be, I was fully aware that I was destroying it and my mind, but I didn't care, as long as I had marijuana, I thought that 'everything was okay'.

The summer of grade eleven, I had met Noam. He became a good friend of mine, but I had dragged him into the mess that I made out of my life. I brought him into my addiction and bad habits. After a while, marijuana just didn't help anymore, I had to go to a stronger substance. Trying to experiment with other ones, in my heart and in the back of my mind, I knew I had to stop, I was SO afraid that I would get addicted to them. No matter how many times I tried to just let go of reality, to just go and do drugs, I never could, something in me still cared to hold on and knew better than that. Noam could see right through me, who I truly was underneath that cover up and act I had put on to hide my true pain inside, he could see the real me under there, through all of that baggage. He couldn't stand when I smoked because he saw how it completely changed who I was and how it changed how I acted. Even though deep down I knew I should stop, I didn't want to let go of it because it seemed like everybody liked me better when I was living that kind of lifestyle. Somewhere inside, I also always knew that God was with me, but I was too lost to notice. Noam always told me that this was not who I am, and he would've loved it if I would stop smoking, so I tried. This is when God started working miracles in my life, nearing the end of grade eleven I was doing co-op, so I was never at school, which gave me a limited access to marijuana, because I was always at work. Little did I know that God was right there with me this whole entire time and was only leading me closer to Him.

I started to smoke less and less and God had started working in my heart. I slowly started losing the desire to do these rebellious things that I had been doing for the past 2-3 years. During the month of January-February, me, Noam, and an old friend of mine had gone to someones house to smoke and before we arrived I had an anxious feeling in my stomach, feeling like something wasn't right; this was the first time that I would be smoking in a couple of months. When we arrived at his house, I instantly did not like the environment and wanted to go home, it was getting late and I had lied to my mom about where I was going and she knew that. I just really wanted to go home. I regretted going there, I had been recovering and staying on a much better track. We were only there for 15 minutes when me and my friend had one small 'hit'. I looked at her and I said "I don't feel anything, do you?" She said no...

Within 5 seconds after those words were said,

I completely blacked out. No words could explain what that was like. Reality just disappeared. I have no idea how long I had lost all vision for. When I had somewhat regained vision and consciousness, I asked Noam what I had been doing that whole time, he said that I was sitting there with my eyes open. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to cry and just leave my own body because it felt like I could've died. It was like being in a terrible real life dream/game/tv show. I could not escape it. I tried to focus on Noam but my vision kept going black, I couldn't stay conscious. It was going back and forth. I needed help but I know that no one could. I had been completely blacked out, not knowing for how long, completely dead to myself, dead inside, pitch black, alive to everybody else, looking completely normal to everyone around me. Until I regained vision and realized that I was still alive, it felt like days had gone by, but it had only been 3 hours, but at the same time it felt less than 3 hours. It felt like a fight to stay calm and just to even stay alive. When I could somewhat focus on reality, I began to shake, not from being afraid, but an terrible shake that would not go away. I could not focus on anything and I wanted to scream and disappear because of how terrible my mind felt. It felt as if I was trapped in another world in my own body. The following three days after that happened, I was extremely confused, shaken, fragile, not in reality, not able to focus and not even alive anymore.

At that moment, I decided, that's it. I QUIT. Forever. I did not decide to quit smoking marijuana because of that situation, I had other scares, but NOTHING ever like that had convinced me so much to quit. I loved smoking in those days and I thought I couldn't live without it, it was my everyday necessity and nothing could change my mind. But by God's plans, He put the strength and desire in me to quit, it was a part of His plan that I did. Nothing could've convinced me to go back to it. God was preparing me and getting me ready for the big things that He had planned for my life.

That March break, my mom reconnected with God. She started telling me about Him and explained to me who Jesus was. I always believed in God but never knew about Jesus. She told me that I needed to accept Jesus into my heart as my Saviour. I repented and asked for forgiveness of my sins, and then I read the Miracle Prayer, I had no idea what it was or why I was doing it, but it felt right so I did it anyway.

And wow.

That day, I felt something. Something different. That agony in my heart, that hatred, that rebellion, that sadness, that pain, just lifted off my chest. I felt as if I had become a new person. My eyes had been opened and my mind renewed to so many amazing things! I could see things as I had never seen before! It is like I had been given a new life. 2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us that if ANYONE is in Christ, He becomes a new creation, and that the old you has passed away. Jesus also tells us in John 14:6 that He is the way, the truth and the life! That is exactly what I felt. Like I had been given life, I became alive! It felt as if everything I had ever felt and everything that I had ever done had been taken away from me.

It felt as if someone had just given me sight after being blind, my bitter heart had been transformed by love. I felt free.

For the first time, I felt calm. I felt love. I felt His forgiveness and compassion.

I was that one lost sheep that He had lost, but now, He has found! I now know and see that it was all a part of God's plan to allow me to go through what I did to come to know Him again! I still cannot believe that this story that I am typing actually happened to me, the Lord so amazingly revealed Himself to me. If you are still here reading this, you truly are amazing. Thank you.

But let me tell you the truth now; nobody can fill that gap in your heart. Nobody can heal that ache in your soul, that longing for attention you may have, that need of comfort you are seeking, that burden you hold, that grudge you hold, no one can free you from that.

No one but Jesus Christ.

You are SO unbelievably loved, more than you will ever know, by someone who died to know you.

For the first time in my life, I felt peace, as if my past was completely washed away, which it had been. It had been removed, all of my mistakes, God had given me a new beginning and I will NEVER regret my choice of accepting Jesus as my Lord and Saviour.

I cannot begin to express how incredible God's love is and He desires to show you this and give you the life and love that you deserve! The life that He has created for you, plans of hope and joy, He wants to lift and take away your hurt, past, and current burdens.

My only answer to you is, that Jesus Christ died to save you. He took the penalty that we deserve for our wrongs, when He did no wrong, He took it for you because He loves you so dearly and you are so precious to Him. He took a violent death on a cross so that you may be healed, set free, that your soul may find life and that your eyes may be opened. He created you to have a relationship with you, He died knowing that you may never love Him back. His love for you will never change. He only asks you to accept Him into your heart and surrender to Him.